Don’t Criticize MY Country!
Defensiveness Over “My Country”
Another topic that can create distance and disconnection in the intercultural couples I work with is the defensiveness that can arise around “my country.” In couples living in Finland, this often appears in the Finnish partner’s reaction to criticism about Finland or Finnish culture.
When Frustration Turns Toward the Country
For many foreign partners, integrating into a new country and culture is difficult. Everyday life can feel unfamiliar, exhausting, and isolating. Things may function differently than expected, and even simple tasks can require far more effort than before.
When people are struggling—feeling angry, frustrated, lonely, or upset—it’s natural to turn to their partner for support. This is true even when those frustrations are connected to the partner’s home country.
And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. In healthy relationships, partners are meant to be sources of comfort and support.
However, this particular kind of frustration can sometimes be surprisingly difficult for the Finnish partner to hear.
“Why Are You Defending Finland?”
Foreign partners frequently tell me that when they complain about Finland, their Finnish spouse becomes defensive.
For the foreign partner, this can feel deeply painful. When someone is already feeling isolated or overwhelmed, experiencing what feels like dismissal or invalidation can intensify that loneliness even further.
Instead of feeling supported, they may begin to feel:
misunderstood
alone with their struggles
hesitant to share their feelings in the future
Why the Finnish Partner May Become Defensive
Interestingly, Finnish partners are often surprised when this defensiveness is pointed out—either by their partner or in therapy.
I usually explain that this reaction is actually very understandable.
The analogy I often use is family.
Most of us understand the feeling that we are allowed to criticize our own family members—but when someone else does it, it suddenly feels personal. Even if the criticism is valid, it can still feel uncomfortable or hurtful.
I believe many people relate to their country in a similar way.
We are shaped by our countries and cultures. They become part of our identity, often in ways we don’t consciously recognize. Because of this, criticism of the country can sometimes feel—subconsciously—like criticism of us.
Understanding this dynamic is important. But understanding alone is usually not enough; couples also need practical ways to navigate it.
Speaking From Experience Instead of Generalizing
One thing I often recommend is that the foreign partner try to express frustrations from the perspective of their own experience, rather than framing the country itself as the problem.
For example:
Instead of:
“Finns are so difficult to form friendships with.”
Try:
“I’m really struggling to meet people and make connections here.”
Or instead of:
“It’s impossible to find work in Finland as a foreigner.”
Try:
“I’m feeling really frustrated that I haven’t found work yet.”
This small shift in language can make a surprisingly big difference. It helps the conversation stay focused on the person’s emotional experience rather than sounding like a broad criticism of an entire country or culture.
Understanding Different Experiences of Finland
For the Finnish partner, it’s important to remember that what the foreign partner is expressing is a reflection of their experience in Finland.
And those experiences can be very different.
Many foreigners describe Finland as a difficult place to integrate socially. During interviews for my study, one participant summarized this experience very bluntly:
“Finland is closed for outsiders.”
Whether or not a Finn personally experiences Finland this way, it’s important to recognize that foreigners often do.
A native Finn and a foreign partner are not experiencing the same country in the same way.
Awareness Creates Connection
Like the other topics in this series, this dynamic does not appear in every intercultural relationship. However, it comes up frequently enough that I felt it deserved its own discussion.
If this is something happening in your relationship, you are not alone.
In my experience, the most helpful approaches are:
awareness of the dynamic itself
speaking from personal experience rather than generalization
remembering that each partner’s experience of Finland may be fundamentally different
When couples can approach these conversations with curiosity and empathy instead of defensiveness, they often find that the conflict underneath is not really about Finland at all—but about wanting to feel understood, supported, and emotionally safe with each other.
