Lost In Translation

Language

I briefly mentioned language in a previous post, but it’s significant enough to deserve its own discussion.

Language doesn’t just shape how we communicate—it also shapes how we feel.

We often experience emotions more intensely in our native language. Words can carry deeper emotional weight, and certain expressions may feel harder to say. A simple example is “I love you”—for many people, it feels more vulnerable and meaningful in their first language.

This can sometimes be helpful. Expressing ourselves in a second language may create a bit of emotional distance, which can support more rational conversations. However, true closeness and intimacy in relationships are built through vulnerability—including the ability to express our deepest emotions.

When Communication Gets More Complicated

Communication is one of the most common reasons couples seek therapy. When partners speak different languages, it’s understandable that these challenges can become even more complex.

Even couples who share the same native language misunderstand each other. We all interpret words slightly differently. Time and time again, I’ve seen couples caught in arguments that ultimately turned out to be simple misunderstandings.

When different languages are added into the mix, these small gaps can widen.

Below are some of the most common ways language impacts intercultural couples.

1. Understanding Each Other

Sometimes a single word can trigger a strong emotional reaction. When that happens, we may stop fully listening because our attention gets stuck on that one word.

This is especially common when communicating in a second (or third) language. Partners may attach different meanings or connotations to the same word.

One strategy I often suggest is surprisingly simple:

pause and define what you mean.

When couples take the time to clarify their intentions—or even just choose a different word—it can completely change how a message is received.

Of course, this can be harder in a foreign language, where vocabulary is more limited.

2. Expressing Ourselves

Putting our inner experiences into words is challenging even in our native language.

In a second language, it becomes even more difficult.

When we can’t fully express our thoughts, feelings, or needs, it can lead to frustration on both sides:

• the speaker may feel misunderstood or inadequate

• the listener may feel confused or shut out

Over time, this can create tension and emotional distance.

3. Relationships with In-Laws

Language can also affect how we connect with extended family.

When one partner doesn’t speak their in-laws’ language—and vice versa—it can create a sense of distance and disconnection. This is often particularly difficult for the foreign partner, who may have already left their own family behind.

If they also struggle to connect with their partner’s family, feelings of loneliness and isolation can become quite intense.

4. Raising Children

Language often becomes an even bigger topic when couples have children.

Questions quickly arise:

• Which language(s) do we speak at home?

• How do we preserve both cultural backgrounds?

• What will this mean for family dynamics long-term?

Each choice comes with potential challenges.

If each parent speaks only their own language to the child—but doesn’t understand the other’s—one parent may feel excluded or like a third wheel.

On the other hand, choosing only one language at home can create distance between the child and the other parent, as well as limit connection to that side of their cultural heritage.

Awareness and Compassion

Language is a frequent topic in my practice—either brought up directly by couples or something I introduce when I notice communication patterns that may be influenced by it.

Even fluency in a language doesn’t guarantee perfect understanding. Subtle meanings, emotional nuances, and cultural associations can still get lost.

Because of this, awareness is essential.

When couples recognize that language itself can be part of the challenge, it becomes easier to approach each other with:

• patience

• compassion

• curiosity

Not just for their partner—but also for themselves.