Who Is This Person???

When Our Environments — and Relationships — Change Us

Not only do our roles and responsibilities change after a move, but often we ourselves change. This can take many by surprise, leaving them wondering, “Who on Earth am I married to?” If you’ve found yourself thinking this, you’re not alone. Whether it’s due to a new environment, a life transition, or even moving back home after living abroad, both we and our relationships inevitably evolve over time.

How Change Happens

Change comes from two main places: our environments and the different facets of our personality.

First, our surroundings shape us more than we realize. We’re constantly adapting to what’s happening around us — usually in small, imperceptible ways. But when something major occurs, like moving to a new country (or back to a familiar one after years abroad), those adaptations become much larger and more noticeable.

Second, we all show slightly different sides of ourselves depending on the situation. The “work self,” “family self,” and “friend self” may behave differently — not because we’re being fake, but because we’re tuned in to the unwritten rules of each setting. This adaptability is part of what makes human relationships function smoothly.

The Impact of Moving — and Returning

Moving to a new country is one of the biggest environmental changes anyone can experience. It’s no wonder it causes shifts in personality and identity.

For example, a Finnish partner returning home after years abroad might feel more like themselves again — or, paradoxically, unsure who they are now. Reverse culture shock can leave people feeling caught between two worlds: not quite “native,” not quite “foreigner.” While the struggle looks different for the partner who actually is a foreigner, there can be an “us against them” mentality as both people try to find their place in this new life.

Others find themselves quickly regaining their old personas as they reintegrate into life with family and childhood friends. They may become more self-assured now that they’re no longer a foreigner themselves, feeling more confident in understanding the setting and culture.

This can actually be the more difficult scenario for the foreign partner. Watching their partner slip easily back into their old routines — reconnecting with friends, family, and a familiar culture — can heighten their own feelings of isolation. Without a strong support system of their own, loneliness and resentment can quietly build up.

Language and Identity

Language adds another fascinating layer. People who speak multiple languages often feel that their personality shifts slightly between them. That’s because language influences how we think and understand the world, and that it guides our behavior through cultural norms built into the language itself.

So, when a foreign partner hears their spouse speaking their native language fully for the first time, it can be startling. It may feel like discovering a whole new side of the person they thought they already knew.

Redefining Ourselves

Of course, the process works both ways. The foreign partner also changes in this new environment. Someone who was once confident and independent might become quieter or more dependent while navigating language barriers, cultural differences, or challenges finding work.

And speaking of work — that’s another crucial piece. Many of us define ourselves by what we do. When employment becomes uncertain or unavailable, we’re forced to reexamine our identity and sense of worth. Confidence can take a hit, and that affects the relationship too.

Also simply finding work is often not enough. Finding that your training, your credentials, and your qualifications aren’t accepted here can force people to abandon beloved, self-defining careers as simply earning a living takes precedence.

Learning to Know Each Other — Again and Again

Personality isn’t fixed. It evolves alongside our experiences and environments. None of these changes make us more or less “authentic” — just different.

What matters most is awareness. If we expect our partner to change over time, we can approach those shifts not with fear, but with curiosity. Relationships thrive on continued discovery. When couples assume they already know everything about each other, they risk drifting apart. But those who stay open — asking questions, listening, learning — keep growing together, not just alongside each other.

So, perhaps the real challenge isn’t in holding on to who we used to be, but in staying curious about who we’re becoming.