New Roles and Responsibilities
One topic that comes up frequently with my clients is that they have to find and adjust to new roles and responsibilities once they arrive in Finland. This tends to arise from the simple fact that the Finnish partner speaks the language, understands how things are done, and may even have an easier time finding work.
This can become challenging for both partners, for slightly different reasons.
For the Finnish partner, this new level of responsibility can feel very heavy and burdensome. It’s difficult to not let resentment arise when it feels like you’re carrying far more than your share of the load. These responsibilities can range from the simple- such as making phone calls, doctor’s appointments etc, to the more weighty ones- such as being the only one being able to financially provide for the entire family.
Even the seemingly simple tasks add up. I’ve heard the same frustrations time after time regarding how much time and effort is required for these things. When you’re the only one who can find and rent an apartment, open a bank account, enroll the kids in school or daycare, pay bills, handle any everyday issues that arise, and make all necessary appointments for the family, it quickly starts feeling overwhelming. If this partner is also the only one working (which I’ve seen happen quite often), the load becomes even more intolerable. Even when the other partner takes the main responsibility for the things they CAN do- cooking , cleaning, childcare- it can frequently feel unbalanced and unfair. This is especially true if the situation was very different previously. And feeling like things are not fair in a relationship is almost always a trigger for a fight at best, and quiet resentment at worst.
Things aren’t necessarily any easier for the foreign partner. Many foreign partners express frustration and helplessness with their situation. It feels very difficult to be unable to do the things that you’ve always taken for granted. It’s humbling to have to rely on your partner for the basic necessities of building a life, and beyond frustrating to feel like you’re not able to do the simple things for yourself and your family. This can impact self-confidence and even lead to demotivation if it continues for a longer period of time.
Of course not every single intercultural couple moving to Finland struggles with this, and some may even welcome the change! However, it is something that’s present for a lot of the couples I work with. In my experience, the best way to handle this is to maintain honest and ongoing communication around the topic, as well as practicing acceptance of this being a common experience for many intercultural couples. Another helpful piece of advice is to look for the things your partner does do, and make a point of expressing gratitude and appreciation. This is helpful not only for the person receiving the appreciation (which always feels good!), but also for the one expressing it. Our human brains are excellent at noticing all the things we ourselves do, all the sacrifices we ourselves make, and all the ways that the balance seems to be tilted out of our favor, but quite awful at being able to notice the same for others. Being conscious about this and choosing to find the good will also help us feel less like we’re carrying more than our own share of the load.
Moving to a country where one person has ties and the other does not often presents with several common challenges. Often this actually feels more difficult on an emotional level than moving to a “neutral” country, although practically speaking it may be easier. Acceptance, understanding, and open, honest communication are the best ways of handling this subject as well. As a final point, while I hope that these suggestions can be helpful for most couples, if the conflicts arising from this issue become too burdensome, it is always advisable to seek help from a qualified therapist.
