New Roles and Responsibilities
Different Roles and Responsibilities
One topic that comes up frequently with my clients is the need to find and adjust to new roles and responsibilities after arriving in Finland. This often happens for a simple reason: the Finnish partner speaks the language, understands how systems work, and may have an easier time finding employment.
Over time, this can create challenges for both partners—though often for different reasons.
The Burden on the Finnish Partner
For the Finnish partner, this new level of responsibility can start to feel heavy and burdensome. It can be difficult not to feel resentment when it seems like you’re carrying far more than your share of the load.
These responsibilities can range from the simple—making phone calls, scheduling doctor’s appointments, or handling paperwork—to much bigger ones, such as being the sole financial provider for the family.
Even the “simple” tasks add up quickly. Many clients describe the same frustrations over and over again: the sheer amount of time and energy required to handle everyday logistics.
When you’re the only person who can:
Find and rent an apartment
Open a bank account
Enroll children in school or daycare
Pay bills
Handle everyday bureaucratic issues
Schedule necessary appointments
…it can quickly start to feel overwhelming.
If this partner is also the only one working—which happens quite often—the load can become even more difficult to sustain.
Even when the other partner takes on the main responsibility for things they can do, such as cooking, cleaning, or childcare, the situation can still feel unbalanced. This is especially true if the relationship looked very different before the move.
And feeling that things are not fair in a relationship is almost always a trigger for conflict—at best leading to arguments, and at worst to quiet resentment.
The Struggle for the Foreign Partner
Of course, things are not necessarily easier for the foreign partner.
Many foreign partners describe feelings of frustration and helplessness in their new situation. It can be incredibly difficult to suddenly be unable to do things that you’ve always taken for granted.
It can feel humbling to rely on your partner for basic necessities involved in building a life. Beyond that, it can be deeply frustrating to feel unable to handle simple tasks for yourself or your family.
Over time, this situation can begin to affect:
self-confidence
motivation
sense of independence
If the situation continues for a longer period, it may even lead to demotivation or withdrawal.
A Very Common Dynamic
Not every intercultural couple moving to Finland experiences this dynamic. Some couples even welcome the change.
However, it is something that appears very frequently among the couples I work with.
In my experience, the most helpful ways to manage this challenge include:
1. Maintain Honest Communication
Keep talking openly about how the situation feels for both of you. This is not a one-time conversation but an ongoing dialogue.
2. Practice Acceptance
Recognizing that this is a common experience for many intercultural couples can help remove the feeling that something is “wrong” with your relationship.
3. Actively Notice What Your Partner Contributes
One useful exercise is to deliberately look for the things your partner does do, and to express appreciation for them.
This helps both partners. The person receiving appreciation feels valued, and the person expressing it often becomes more aware of the full picture of what each partner contributes.
Our brains are very good at noticing:
everything we ourselves do
every sacrifice we make
every way the balance seems unfair
But we are often much worse at noticing these things in our partner.
Being intentional about recognizing the good can make the situation feel far less like one person is carrying the entire load.
When One Partner Is “At Home”
Moving to a country where one partner has strong ties and the other does not often brings a set of predictable challenges. Interestingly, many couples report that this arrangement can feel emotionally more difficult than moving together to a “neutral” country—even if the practical side is easier.
Acceptance, understanding, and open communication remain the most helpful tools in navigating this transition.
Finally, while these suggestions can help many couples, there are situations where the stress created by this dynamic becomes overwhelming. If that happens, seeking support from a qualified therapist can be a very helpful step.
